Till death do you part...from my archives in uks 2001

Elisa and mommies dearie....

It hurts me a lot to see Ameera change moods..due to missing her
grandfather. It makes me really depressed.

Even on the day my father died..i had to pull myself together to be strong
for the children. Because it would not help to scream and go hysterical
because it would just scare the children.

I took all three of them and showed them my father lying on the bed. And
reminded them of their hamster and how it had died. Syafiqa remembers and
said becoz Allah ambil nyawa dia. But she started to cry... Ameera just
blinked. She kissed her toki though , as did the other 2.

I felt like screaming.......

After that Ameera went through a stage of denial. She refused to talk about
toki or kiss him before he was buried. Anyway, we took them to the grave, to
put flowers and siram air....to read fatihah. Of course Aisha does not
understand anything.

The day after. Ameera asked me why did toki turn into a hamster when he
died. Oh boy! Do i have a confused 3 year old.

Aisha says Toki tidur.....and she gets extremely clingy to my breast.

Syafiqa wants a detailed explanation about how and where toki grew up, how
did he meet nekmi....why did he die.....will we see him in heaven.

But they know where toki is. I bring them to the grave once a week. with
flowers....and doas semoga Allah rahmatinya......

It is the practise in Taman Tun that when someone passes away, the mosque
pasang Yasin on the loud speaker. I always hear the yassin being read and i
always ask my hubby or brothers to go check out who has left us.
I never imagined that the yassin was played 3 times for my father.

Now every time i hear the yassin on the speakers from the mosque, i get
goose bumps. And Ameera just switches off. She will retire into a corner of
the room and play with her upper lip.And she will insist on sleeping in my
mother's room.

Syafiqa sees no problem - she says takpe..kalau sad crylah..then you will
feel better. But she gets nightmares.

I still don't know how to handle the kids. I still have not found the
perfect words to comfort them. But i play it by ear.

I think many people lose their loved ones. I guess i yang sibuk nak
advertise my feelings. But all in the name of sharing my experience with the
kids.
Sorry if i overdid my writing..i do get carried away. The writer in me.....


Azizah....all the best on your new turnpoint. Keep heads up....may Allah
guide you on the best path.... do share withus your experiences.....

Thanx guys for bearing with me.....